Alone Time

I spent this afternoon alone and thoroughly enjoyed it (no offense CM and MT). I had the house to myself, so I decided to make a pizza from scratch and watch the New World Symphony webcast of Petrouchka (that orchestra roocks, btw, but I can't decide if I like Petrouchka).

I had actually been thinking about what it is to spend time alone a lot lately, and have been meaning to post about it ever since I found myself at a night club all by myself on Wednesday night. The thing was, I was supposed to meet up with a friend to go dancing, but when I got there he was there only to tell me that he had to leave. And I had invited another friend so I felt obligated to stick around in case she showed up. So next thing I knew, I was ordering myself a drink at my own table, withstanding the sort of strange looks coming from every direction.

At first I was quite self-conscious. I wished I had thought to wear some make up. I wished I had brought my cell phone so I could just text the friend and know at exactly what time she would show up. But as the minutes passed I started to actually feel confident, and it became painstakingly obvious that nobody really cared anyway (which is always the case, often times we just talk ourselves into thinking otherwise, no?!). I actually used to go dancing by myself a lot in the States, but of course, that was in a place where "going dancing" meant showing up to a place and actually being asked to dance all night. Here "going dancing" is more like going somewhere where it's dark and the music is really loud, shuffling around with the friends you showed up with, and maybe maybe maybe meeting one other person who probably won't be a good dancer anyway. But I used to get a really big kick out of showing up to a club by myself, dancing with a bunch of people, and then leaving by myself. It was like a reminder that the activity itself was really fulfilling to me, and I could partake in it in a sort of solitude amidst the socializing.

It seems to be that spending time with yourself and only yourself is not really accepted, or at least not often done, here. I never see people having coffee alone, eating alone, hardly even walking down the street alone. Perhaps in a culture which is much less high-paced it's not so common- there's always time to meet up with someone rather than just stopping for a quick bite on the way to the next thing.

But my alone time is really important to me. Maybe it's because I'm an only child so I grew up spending a lot of time by myself and I find it comforting. Maybe it's because I'm a musician so I've gotten used to being by myself for hours on end in the practice room. Maybe it's because I'm a very social person, but then I need to balance things out.

Up until 6 months ago, I had lived by myself for about 2 years. I didn't really want to do that anymore after a while here. It had gotten a bit tedious, especially here with all my new-found free time. So now I've got some pretty cool roommates, I really enjoy the company of the majority of my co-workers, and the last few months have brought a wave of new-and-not-in-the-orchestra friends as well. My social life is actually quite active here, and I'm not complaining. But I do think I am missing out on some of my previous usual alone time habits that gave me some peace of mind. Reading in coffee shops, going to concerts, even driving around in my car, singing along to whatever I chose and just being with my own thoughts.

I'm reminded of an occasion where a friend of mine had plans to go to the beach the next day and he said, "I'd really like to invite you, but I think I just need the day alone, even though I'd also really like to spend it with you." And that made sense to me.

So what is it that we really take away from spending time with Yours Truly? When I was in the disco, I felt like I found a new way to enjoy that scene, through observation. Instead of being in the middle of the whole thing, I could watch it from the outside and get a new perspective. To be honest, I found the whole thing pretty absurd. And it's good to get that some of the things you enjoy doing are pretty absurd.

I think when I'm alone I find a new kind of appreciation for things. It's a calming, pleasant sort of appreciation for just the experience of life. It's the knowledge that what's around me in itself is valuable, and no one else has to know about it. Like this afternoon I found chopping vegetables surprisingly satisfying. And that's refreshing.

I'm learning little by little that the people around me mean more to me than I used to admit. But I still maintain that ultimately, all we have is the relationship we have with ourselves. And that shows up in all of our other relationships as well. So it's important to nurture it, to give it attention, to make it a priority.

And then there's the other sort of appreciation you get when you can really share life experience with another, and it is enhanced by that sharing. And I've been having some moments of that as well, to be assured.

So it could be that, like so many other things, it's really about finding a balance. I've swung a little far to the social side in the last year, and I think it's time to get some more me-time in, withstand the strange looks and unjustified feelings of self-consciousness, and see what I discover.