Compromiso

It's always bothered me immensely that "commitment" and "compromise" are the same word in Spanish.

I'm just beginning to understand the connection.

com·mit·ment /kəˈmɪtmənt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuh-mit-muhnt] –noun

1.	the act of committing.

2.	the state of being committed.

3.	the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

4.	a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.

5.	engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.

6.	perpetration or commission, as of a crime.

7.	consignment, as to prison.

8.	confinement to a mental institution or hospital: The psychiatrist recommended commitment.

9.	an order, as by a court or judge, confining a person to a mental institution or hospital.

10.	Law. a written order of a court directing that someone be confined in prison; mittimus.

It's fascinating, really, the order of definitions you get when you look up commitment. It bears a striking resemblance to my experience of being committed to my old job. My feelings for this thing went from sincere interest and excitement about making it my number one priority to feeling like it was pulling my arms behind my back and holding me in place while I was trying to take steps forward.

I'm honestly not sure if this has more to do with the situation or me. I could very well be diagnosed as "non-committal." There would be evidence available. It could also be that it's hard to commit to something that doesn't commit to you. That it's hard to make something your top priority when you feel like you and your colleagues and your values rank about #170 on their list of 200 priorities.

I don't think I'll ever know exactly what it was.

Fortunately, I'm moving on to a new realm of the commitment question...

com·pro·mise (kŏm'prə-mīz') n. A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions. The result of such a settlement. Something that combines qualities or elements of different things: The incongruous design is a compromise between high tech and early American. A concession to something detrimental or pejorative: a compromise of morality.

I'm entering the world of freelancing in Mexico, which I'm finding to be surprisingly easy and hard to organize at the same time. For example, I got offered a gig playing extra for a performance of Mahler's First Symphony. Read that sentence again, literally. A performance. No rehearsals. I can't make the rehearsals, but I can make the performance. And they said that's not a problem. That's easy.

I also have a gig with a group that is willing to fly me from and to my "home" two times, two weeks apart, but is not willing to buy me a plane ticket which gets me there a few weeks early, making it possible for me to play a gig with another orchestra, because they're the "competition." Nor will they buy me a plane ticket and let me change it on my own. That's hard. Well, actually, that's just annoying. But annoying is hard.

The point is that through this process of trying to organize my freelancing life for the next two months, I am having to make commitments, and ask for commitments, and I'm realizing that they are nothing but compromises. OMG, I just saw the word "promise" in compromise for the first time. It's all starting to make sense. If I commit to something, I have to "make some concessions" in order to reach that common ground of settlement. So do they. So that's commitment- promising to compromise in order to honor the agreement.

But then there's that pesky definition #3.

Did I compromise myself by breaking my commitment? Was I forced to compromise myself in order to keep a commitment? Was I committed to compromising? Did I promise to commit?

I am far too exhausted to keep this straight at the moment. I fear that my mind (and thus, my blog) will be filled with many questions in the next months. I hope that the answers are soon to follow. I look forward to the process.