I could do other jobs.

Ok, so I'm a little weak on the titles lately. But I'm writing, so you've got to give me credit for that.

This has been an interesting "vacation" for me, in that it's been way longer than a normal vacation, so it's been a little taste of life in the US again, and not as a musician. Sort of. I'm not really working (8 hours a week doesn't count), but I'm not playing outside of the practice room either. I'm not gallivanting across state borders every other day to play random gigs and sub in commuter orchestras. And I'm not walking to my full-time orchestra job in the same hall every day. So, I'm doing something I haven't done since before I graduated from college--I am not working as a musician.

This has provided a few insights (always important to have insights!), the first being that I think I could work in another field and be happy. I mean, maybe. And I used to think that I had to be a musician or nothing. So that's nice to know. Like I think I could be the secretary at Peppermint Fence Pre-School and still find a satisfying life. (They had an opening, it crossed my mind). Or I could go back to school and get certified and be a Spanish teacher and really enjoy that. Or figure out how you become a translator, and really up the level of my Spanish and learn some other languages and do that. And these ideas are all kind of exciting to me; they make me think of the other parts of my brain and talents I would be exercising in these pursuits, or others.

But, at the same time, this two month period away from playing for money has shown me that I have it in me to be a horn player. (I've always been a big fan of the juxtaposition in my blog, have you noticed?) I have continued to improve completely on my own in the last 2 months, I have really solved some things and stayed committed in the practice room. I've worked on a lot of the self-s (self-discipline, self-confidence, self-acceptance, self-awareness, self-evaluation) that are so important to being a musician. And I've really enjoyed the process and the results! I've been to a few great orchestra concerts and gotten that rush at the thought of being up there, like I used to as a teenager. And that feeling alone is enough to keep you going for a good couple of years. I've also come to appreciate the logistic advantages of being a musician and see how I could make a really great life for myself with a decent orchestra job.

The freedom I get from the above insights combined is significant. I get to "keep up the good work" and continue to pursue my dreams, but I don't feel this unbreathable pressure to make it. I just really, really want to, which is different.

And as I was telling my Dad the other day in the lobby after an SPCO concert, worst case scenario, I continue doing all this stuff for the next however many years, and if I arrive at point in which I just am not going to make it, I become a manager at Target until I figure out the next thing, and I have no regrets. Really.

There are so many amazing things to be done in the world. I'm just choosing one of them.