Friday the 13th: An Excuse to Write About Beliefs

CM, my roomie, never believed in Friday the 13th before. Now he says he does.

It's true, it's pretty bad luck to have a flat tire on your car, a broken pedal on your bike, a cancellation of plans to change houses, and a frozen computer screen all in one day. But does this really change what we believe?

I don't know if I believe in things like Friday the 13th. Based on today, I would say no way, as it's been a really great day (so far...). In fact, I don't know what I believe in in general. I've been thinking about my beliefs a lot in the past week, month, season, and I think it's about time I put some of my thoughts down on virtual paper. This is more an exercise in personal exploration, but perhaps it will contribute something to readers too.

I don't know if I believe in God; I don't know if I believe in astrology; I don't know if I believe in ghosts. Of course all of this matters not because I don't believe in them, but because I think I might believe in them and I'm just not certain.

Anne Lamott says, in her Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, a book I recently read that really got me thinking, "...the opposite of faith isn't doubt, it's certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until the light returns. Faith also means reaching deeply within, for the sense one was born with..."

For much of high school and college I would respond to the infamous question, "What religion are you?" with "Agnostic." I always explained, "Religion doesn't seem that important to me right now, although I imagine it will be later." I don't know why that explanation made sense, but it did at the time. I had no desire to attend church, I never thought much about spirituality, and I was OK with that, and a pretty happy person besides.

Growing up, I had a variety of role models in this area. My grandparents on both sides were traditionally Christian, thought not fanatic. My mother has always been quite spiritual, but not so into organized religion. My father has always been pretty interested in the intellectual side of it all, suggesting reading The Bible, interested in mythology and history, of which religion is definitely a part, but not so strict on the faith aspect. I've had friends all across the gamut- evangelical to actually anti-religion. Although I'll admit I'm generally more comfortable with those on the "a" side (agnostic, atheist, anti), I also have a tremendous respect for those with faith. I feel almost an envy for them, in fact.

So, for many years, I've been agnostic, leaning atheist. But now I feel myself changing...leaning more towards believing, or at least having a desire to believe. And as I open myself to this, I'm discovering what I think I would call God, if God has a presence in this world as we currently know it. And so I present this idea with an absolute humility, cluelessness, and decent dose of skepticism.

I think he/she presents him/herself in different ways for different people, but always is manifested as this extreme joy. For me, this shows up in self-expression (music, words, art), in uninhibited happiness and silliness (parties and dancing) , in beauty (sunrises, rainstorms, oceans, mountains, people, smiles), in the coming together of people (falling in love, finding new friends, sharing experiences). If there is God in anything, it is in those things.

So, what do I have faith in? Can I say I have faith in God yet? No. Am I considering it? I guess. And if it's true, that doubt isn't the opposite of faith, but certainty is, what can I say I have faith in, given doubt can be a part of it? I have faith in music. In my family. In myself. In laughter. In sunrises. Come to think of it, I have faith in a lot of the things I listed as what I would call a presence of God in the world. Does this equal a faith in God? I suppose it might.

As I read over this, I'm wondering why I decided to go out on a limb and write this post. Maybe this one was better intended for the journal. But this is like a journal that writes back, sometimes. Or maybe it starts dialogues. Or gets people thinking. Or just puts it out there. Whatever it is, I guess I deemed it worthy, so there you have it.