I have an appointment with a chiropractor on Friday. I think I'm going to cancel it to go to this yoga class that has been recommended to me (thanks JK!!), but I am going to reschedule it. That's right, I want to see a chiropractor.
I don't know quite why this concerns me, but it does. It makes me feel old or something, even though I'm not going for anything serious. I just have some extra-special neck tension and my massage therapist suggested this guy. She says he can "realign me so I feel a tremendous release in these specific areas." Hey, I'm not going to pass that up.
So, I'm willing to try something new to take care of this particular thing I've been withstanding for awhile. It's gotten me thinking, what else in my life am I simply tolerating? Am I content to tolerate my life, parts of my life, anything in my life? Or if something doesn't work for me, can I just change it? Could I actually my life exactly what I want it to be?
Here's some of the things I'm putting up with:
1) An unsatisfying work environment
2) The heat
3) Feeling lonely (sometimes)
4) Being far away from my family
5) My weak high register
6) Back and neck tension
7) The 13 year old rug-rats I teach three nights a week
8) A small layer around my middle I'd be happy to do without
9) The heat
10) The Yucatecan concept of time
11) Chamber music classes I have to teach (sometimes)
12) The chimes player in this concert
13) Being surrounded by low expectations
I'm doing something about 2, 3, 5, 6, and 8. I'm stuck on numbers 1, 4, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12. (And yes, in case you're wondering, "The heat" and "the heat" are different. The former you can alleviate by going to an air conditioned space. The latter permeates AC, leaving you sticky, sleepy, and still feeling like you can't breathe.)
I don't enjoy the experience of putting up with stuff. It's unpleasant and doesn't make me want to get up in the morning. So I'm considering my options. Can I truly change my attitude? Can I fully accept? Can I let it go? Can I transform my relationship to the thing, given that the thing itself can probably not be transformed?
How in the world do I do that?
Some days I go to teach the rug-rats and I see them as adorable, lively, quick, intelligent, eager, and good kids. On those days I think I teach good classes, we all leave with something. Other days I see them complete wastes of time, spoiled little brats, respect-less, ignorant, puny punks. I don't know what makes the difference in how I see them, but I know it's possible, so I'm going to keep working on always going for number 1. I mean, if I have to be there, I might as well try. This applies to the chamber music classes as well.
I don't like being so far from my family, but I can accept it, justify it, email them, and look forward to visits. I can also accept the heat, remembering it too will pass. I can even accept the chimes player, if I count very slowly from 1 to 20 as she bangs out a completely rhythm-less series of notes in absolutely no relation to the ensemble 4 times in a row.
But I swear, numbers 1, 10 and 13 are just pissing me off and I don't know what to do. It's not good. I don't like to be pissed off.
As my new kick becomes a more legitimate pattern of habits (at least 2 hours of practice a day, listening, studying, exercising), I'm holding myself to a higher standard. I'm trying to push myself, improve, expect more of myself. This is an essential for any musician that wants to succeed, as we spend most of our actual playing time by ourselves in a little room. Ultimately, no one is going to hold our hand or do us any favors. Ultimately, it is about how we, all by ourselves, play. That challenge is inspiring to me, and I'm taking it on.
But it is frustrating to be surrounded by much of the opposite in the meantime. It's hard to not let it get to you. It's disappointing to not be asked to do your best. I'm not trying to criticize everyone else here, by the way. I'm talking more about wanting personally to be pushed by that around me. And there are plenty of people around me that are striving and succeeding. (Example: Heard this string quartet last night. They are really great, and I get to play with them every day, albeit a few feet away.) But there is a lot of settling, a lot of acceptance (in the negative way), a lot of sluffing off. And it's driving me nuts!!
Well, I won't put up with putting up with it. (Got that?)
So now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do instead.
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6 comments:
I'm starting to wonder if pro-activeness and not just accepting things how they are is a typical American aproach to life. Not to be negative about Germany, but sometimes I also have that feeling that people here would rather complain or accept things (really in any area of life) rather than be proactive and try to do something about it. Something to think about.... And anyway, besides No. 1, just remember that acceptance and submission are 2 different things! ;) Enjoy Mexico and the heat for me, could use some here...!
Suggestion for #12:
1-Bring hammer to work
2-Conk said retarded chimes player on the noggin
3-Use said hammer to finish playing the chimes part with your right hand, while fingering the horn with your left
4-Turn around and enjoy the content smiles of your grateful colleagues
We here at the Ren's Nest will not be entertaining any complaints about THE HEAT as it snowed about 4 inches last night.
As for the rest of it, do you remember that masterclass at UW where we put on our "shower curtains of invincibility?" I would recommend a shower curtain of steel.
It is so much easier to be negative and find the bad stuff than it is to find the good stuff. I don't know why this is, especially in large group situations. But thinking positively and trying to incite positive change is usually fairly well received. Surround yourself with as many positive forces as you can, and see if that helps to deal with the negative ones.
And take Ice Cream Man's advice. I think its good. :-)
Some thoughts--First of all, you (meaning anyone) can transform your relationship to the thing itself (whether or not the thing itself can be transformed). Absolutely. Remember you experience the world, your relationship to the world , by your relationship with yourself.
Secondly, this entry sounds pretty good--but really it includes some significat high falutin' complaining. A persistent complaint--well some people think that a persistent complaint has a payoff--and a cost. The payoff is usually nasty--you get to be right, dominate or avoid domination, be justified etc. I know you--you get to be right and justified. The cost--it is usually love and affinity. You touch on that too--that cost.
Finally--your high standards have to do with your own integrity.You ask yourself to do your best. Everytime. You are learning a lot by keeping, creating, generating etc. your own high standards in the face of no agreement. What? Do you think Ghandi was surrounded by people who said go ahead, create a brand new independent country by civil disobedience only. Not a chance. Leaders do not always face agreement. People who have something to say do not always have agreement. I don't think great artists do always either. (If I knew more about musicians I could probably give a good example here--but I bet most of the readers can do that anyway) You have to live with yourself and you can look back on this time in Merida as a wonderful learning growin magic etc. or as a time full of complaints or even dominated by one specific complaint.
Do you want to play great music or not? Play great music then. Enjoy those 13 year olds.
Finally--I love that you think about these things. Find the peace within yourself and let us know how you did it.
Wow, here is a collection of some really great advice. And my mom just compared me to Ghandi...ha ha ha, as if.
Thanks guys!
It's great that so many are attempting to deal with this on an abstract level. I, however, will not be one of them. Instead, let's just talk about what's actually here.
- Complaining is a time-honored and therapeutic component of an orchestral career. If anything, it's a way of dealing with the stress. I've never played in a group that on some level, didn't like to complain. And I don't even necessarily think it's unhealthy. Sure, there are some people that want to be all rainbows and kittens about everything, and those people usually get goofed on after concerts when everybody else goes out to have a drink, socialize, and complain. Everyone complains about their job. It's what we do as humans.
- Take it from me, if your work environment is unsatisfying, just find another work environment. And remember that a high-level of music making isn't always enough to guarantee your happiness. There are a lot of other factors to consider - where you're living, proximity to friends and family, the people in your section, respect from your employer, etc. But I think from our conversations that you are taking the proper steps to address that in the longer term. A lot of people would, on the surface, probably think I'm nuts to walk away from my current position. To me, it makes complete sense. I think you probably know why.
- I'm willing to bet that most of the low expectations you are surrounded by are the low expectations you believe others have of themselves. Most of your colleagues don't have expectations of you. You play in the section. Most of your colleagues, with all due respect, don't even hear what you're doing unless you screw up. To me, this seems like a derivative of #1 - that you aren't happy with the level of musicianship that you are currently surrounded by.
- You and I aren't going to change a culture that likes long breaks in the afternoon, showing up late (if at all) for appointments, and disregarding other people's time. It's inefficient, and frankly, it's reflected in their economic well-being and their standard of living. You live in a culture that is all about settling, doing what it has to in order to get by, and then going on vacation. I'm done trying to be polite about it. It's a culture of sloth.
- Come home this summer, hang out with your friends and family, and keep planning for what comes next. The problems you have there are not problems you can change. Your energy will be better directed inward in terms of self-improvement and planning the next move than expended outward in an attempt to change a situation that existed well before your arrival and will continue to exist well after your departure. I'm not being defeatist here. I'm just being pragmatic. You only get so much energy and so much focus. Be wise about how you spend it.
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