Engaged and Expecting

Calm down, I haven’t fallen for a young Acapulcan and decided to finally settle down (although there are many attractive guys in this particular orchestra…),

But if I fooled any of you for a second, that title was worth it.

I have, however, been thinking a lot about the power of engagement and the power of expectations.

Engaged:

I’ve had a number of experiences in the last few months in which I “should have” been nervous. Difficult works performed in rooms full of talented, possibly judgmental, colleagues. In some of these instances I have been incredibly nervous. In others, hardly at all. The difference? In the latter, I have been so fully engaged in the music, that I haven’t had it in me to be nervous. Those experiences have been really sensational. Francaix Quintet with a really fantastic Wind Quintet at Madeline Island Chamber Music Camp. Mozart’s Gran Partita at Instrumenta de Oaxaca. Beethoven’s Third Symphony with the South Dakota Symphony. And my first rehearsal playing principal horn in a long time here.

When I’m really involved in what’s happening in the music, in what I am creating, in how I want to speak the music, there is no room for nerves. It’s like DH used to always say, “You simply can’t perform and evaluate at the same time.” And when you are not evaluating, you are not nervous. And when you are really performing, your whole mind and body are fully engaged in that act, nothing more.

That’s what makes auditioning difficult, because you are not surrounded by other musical influences (such as melody, sometimes) to keep you engaged. But, when it really comes down to it, it’s up to only me to be engaged musically. And I can do that whether I’m playing a whole note in my house or a solo with the best orchestra in the world.

That’s what I’m committing to expect of myself.

Expectations:

I’ve been reminded this week about the power of expectations. I arrived in Acapulco Tuesday night, expecting a really bad hotel room, since the reputation of this orchestra is not the best. Sure enough, it was away from the water, slightly run down, and the elevator didn’t work. I finally got to my room, desperate to get the horn on my face for a little bit of time that day, to find a steaming hot space, and no AC in sight. Lovely.

I threw open the door to the balcony (it’s not as glamorous as it sounds) and stood with one foot out the door (a good metaphor for my week here) and did some long tones. Sweating like a gring with a fever (turns out I actually was coming down wth something). Lip slurs. Worse. Breathing exercises. How could this room not have AC?!?! I put the horn down, switched on some lights, and looked around the room. Oh wait, there’s the knob that says fan, with your choice of degree. Click=air. Good.

It just goes to show- my expectations were so low that I didn’t even find the AC for a good half hour, when I needed it most.

My expectations of the orchestra were low too, and in this case that was powerfully helpful. Because the orchestra really isn’t so bad. But that’s still a good attitude to have when you are playing principal-that you are better than everyone around you, even though it’s not true at all. It’s all just a mind game.

So this week has been a pleasant surprise- air conditioning and a decent orchestra. Excellent.

I accepted the job, to start in December. But the conductor informed me that he couldn’t wait just 5 weeks for me to arrive. That seems strange to me, considering they offered me the job, and as far as I know, they don’t have anyone on the “waiting list.” But perhaps that is the playing-principal-mind-game going to my head.

I’m not expecting this to be the last conversation we have about this.

I also wasn’t expecting to arrive in Acapulco with a horribly sore throat, causing me to spend my three days here sleeping/watching TV in my hotel room. But it’s been good for me- I’ve caught up on my rest, and the re-runs of Gilmore Girls, Heartland, Smallville and The OC have reminded me why I gave up watching TV 7 years ago.

Except for ER, I still love ER.

Expect an update soon…more engagements to come!