Why Can't Playing the Horn be More Like Writing a Paper?

I've been working on my proposals for this lately. They're consuming me a bit. During the time I'm spending on them I keep thinking I should be practicing. But, I'll admit, sometimes I find writing more satisfying than practicing.

Anyway, I had an insight. (yeah!) What if the things I like about writing, the things I excel at in writing, I could apply to horn? Now, I might be stretching it here a bit, but I'm into the extended metaphor lately. And in my list-maker spirit, I'll proceed.

1) Don't hold back.

When I write, I just let myself write everything down that comes to mind. My first drafts are really ugly- fragments, unorganized, random unnecessary thoughts (side note: I recently forwarded a draft of the proposal I'm working on to a professor who wrote me a letter of recommendation. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the words "This paragraph blows" from the fifth paragraph, which is the paragraph I still thought needed a lot of work. Oofta.) But they have a lot of meat. They have content, ideas, and my voice. Once all of that is down on the page, I can do something with it. If it's never on the page, I can't.

I avoid a lot of things in my horn playing, because they might sound bad. Many things I need to work on never get into the room. That's silly. I like what DG said this summer, "Take the worst thing in your technique, and work on it until it's the best thing. Then see what the new worst thing is and repeat."

2) Work. Then Save.

One of the most satisfying things about writing is doing all the work and knowing it will stick. I can restructure an essay, change all my passive voices to active voices, and clear up a paragraph, hit save, shut my computer for two weeks, and when I go back, I know it will be there. Never a waste of time.

Often with horn it feels like I practice a thing, and the next day it has disappeared. Or I'm really working on something, and I don't for a few days, and it is gone. This is absurd. Why can't I make real changes that last, are effective, and I use every day? Actually, this problem is much much much better than it used to be. So I know I'm capable. Now I just have to stop futzing around and do it. A new goal: leave the practice room every day being able to do one thing you couldn't do before- permanently.

3) Demand excellence, not perfection.

When I write I am not thinking about making it "right." I'm thinking about making it great- effective, interesting, worthwhile to read. Of course I try to avoid spelling and grammar mistakes, because those get in the way of the message, but there is not this idea that it will be PERFECT.

Perfect performances are boring anyway. Not that I've heard one. But I would imagine that they would be boring. I remember hearing JZ perform the Brahms Trio at Aspen Music Festival. The first two movements were perfect, he didn't miss a single note. Then, during the first couple phrases of the third movement, he did. Don't know why, just did. All of the sudden the performance got much more interesting, I swear. There was a new intensity, a new level of expression. He didn't miss another note either, but he was much more engaged. It was like the point was no longer to play it perfectly, because that was shot-it was to play it excellently.

4) Enjoy the process.

One day in the cafeteria during freshman year of college, a friend of a friend told me why he was an English major. I had been complaining about writing (I used to not like it too much...). He said, "Writing gets fun when the process of writing takes you to new ideas. When the actual thoughts change and grow due to the writing of them down." I know what he means now. It is really cool.

We've all had those practice sessions where we're not watching the clock. More often than not, we are. But what if the goal of each session was to lose yourself in it? What could we accomplish then? What if every time you practiced, you discovered something? What if every time you played, no matter what, it was fresh?

5) Seek feedback.

I have no problem whatsoever asking for help with my writing. I've gladly turned over my proposal to 5 people, some strangers, some close family, and instructed them to rip it apart. Luckily, they haven't had to, but I wouldn't have minded. I enjoy getting their perceptions and advice in light of making my writing the best it can be.

I try to do this with my playing too, but it feels much more personal. This is ridiculous. How I play is not me, it's how I play. If I play badly, it doesn't mean I'm bad. I want to play the best I can- this means having other people listen and tell me what they hear. It might not be pretty, but I want to hear it.

6) Have a solid idea of what you want to say before you begin.

I'll confess I don't always have this when I write (you've all read the blogposts in which this is apparent). But everything goes more smoothly when I do. In attempts not to contradict #4, I will say that this doesn't mean your idea can't change, it just means that you have to start from somewhere concrete. No fishing around- it's not good for you, your reader, or the world at large.

As I was told multiple times this summer, I know how to play the horn. Now I want to forget that and say something. Make phrases, convey characters, engage listeners. To do this, I have to know how I want it to sound before the horn comes anywhere near my face.

Conveniently, this item is two-fold. Not only does it apply to performing, but to practicing technique. Playing an exercise or an etude is pointless if you don't know what you want to get out of it. As much as my roommate MT loves the sound of my high-range exercises, I think she'd be disappointed if she found out I was playing them just for her.

7) Be clear and direct.

No explanation needed, fittingly.

No more fuzzy notes or sloppy articulation. No questionable phrases or ignored markings. Enough said.

8) Take pride in your work.

I like what I write. I enjoy doing it, enjoy reading it, and enjoy other people reading it.

I can be proud of my playing, in the practice room, in rehearsals, on recordings, and in concerts. Especially in concerts- no more evaluating while performing. Doesn't work. I want to play out, like once I play it, it is gone from me. And I want to play so that what is gone from me I can see as an outsider, and like!

All right, enough writing...I need to practice.

Bad News is Good News

I have, as of late, flung myself, with full force, back into the world of rejection. And let me tell you, it's out there, whether you manage to hide from it, avoid it, deny it, and ignore it or not. And it stings.

I applied for my first big thing since I got my job a year and a half ago, and I did not get it. Actually, I've applied for a few other moderately big things in the past six months, not huge, but somewhat significant, and I actually got those! So that was a pleasant surprise. But now I'm back to the harsh reality of rejection. It's oogie. I'd forgotten.

Things around these parts are not ideal lately. I won't bother going into details because, frankly, it's boring and I'd rather not waste my precious mental energy and finger muscles on describing it. But lets just say, it's a time to be keeping your eyes peeled for other opportunities. So I'm going a bit nuts finding out what else is out there, and getting my nose in some of it. And that means getting turned down. Not because I'm not qualified, because I think by now, I am, slightly. And not because I'm unlucky, because I actually am lucky too. But just because it is the world I have chosen.

Sometimes I wish that when I had gone into that "Pick Your Band Instrument" interview in fifth grade the band director had handed me the horn mouthpiece, seen my eyes light up, and then reminded me, "You do realize your choosing a life full of abrupt life changes, steady relationship obstacles, negative outlooks abound, difficult personalities, incompetent administrations and far more rejections than acceptances, right?" But then I remember, I still love what I do.

I'm putting a positive spin on things. It's what makes me happy, when I'm in the mood.

I'm in the mood.

So, I'm back in the world of rejections, which sucks. But it means I'm also back in the world of possibilities. The world of new contacts, new places, new dreams, new risks, new adventures, new problems (at least they're more interesting than the old ones), new everything. And this world gives me a lot of energy. It's true, it's waaaay less comfortable. It gives me anxiety. It's maddening. But it's exciting, and for me, exciting is oh-so-much better than same old, same old.

And also, maybe even more importantly, it makes me not take this job, and all the other chances I've gotten, for granted. I've been rejected from a mountain of things. But I've been accepted to a hill, which is still a lot. And I have a job playing music every day, and I still enjoy that. So when I got my first of many rejections to come, I was pretty bummed. And then about half an hour I was elated.

Maybe I'm schizophrenic.
Maybe I'm optimistic to a fault.
Maybe I'm enlightened.

Skype Stalker?

Today I was watching a movie (A Very Long Engagement- I highly recommend it) and I heard the weird whoosh/bleep combo that means I got a message on Skype. Thinking I would just respond when the movie finished, I put my computer on mute and let the screen go black again. Half an hour later, when the movie was over, I went back to the Skype message. It seems that my Skype personality had a life of it's own, for it had responded to RB's messages, promptly, with "hi," "hello," "aroudndu" and "stupid," one after another, in response to each of her messages. If anyone can find anyway to explain this, I would appreciate it. I have since quit out of Skype, and don't plan to sign back in until I know what happened. I am disturbed.

Luckily, I won't be needing Skype on Isla Holbox, which is where I'm headed- bus leaves at 11:30 pm tonight!

Words Can't Really Describe

I haven't really written much about my experience in Oaxaca. Let it suffice to say that most words would be a worthless attempt at describing it. I think it really changed me as a player, as a performer, as a person. I mean, I feel different about myself when my horn is in my hands. I think I sound different too. I can't write much else, I don't know what to say. Luckily, some professional photographers were taking pictures of us for the whole two weeks. So, here you go. Above, you can see some of my teachers and performances. Below, you can see my friends!

Over-Connected

I think I have too many means of communication; it's getting out of hand. When I turn on my computer I sign on to Gmail, Skype, Messenger and Facebook. There's too many ways to get in touch with me and arenas in which I expect messanges...it's giving me a perpetual headache. I think I need to set myself some rules- like the computer can only be on 2 hours a day, or something.

I abandoned TV about 8 years ago because I felt it sucked everything out of me. And now my computer, with a screen the size of a small TV, is doing the same. How can I remedy this situation? Any suggestions?

In other news, I am learning some Norwegian, and think I have come down with a cold. The two are not necessarily related.

In observance of my new "cut-back-on-computer" campaign, I'm going to keep this one short.

Long Tones: Thoughts on Patience

I am not a patient person. I could try to convince you that I am. I might have some good examples to use as evidence. I bet that some people I know would even argue that I am patient. After all, they might say, look at the profession you've chosen. One does not choose to sit in a substantially large group of people and be told what to do for a living if they are not patient.

But nope, I'm definitely not patient. I'm actually impatient to a point that patient people often drive me nuts. I know...patience is a virtue, blah blah blah. But when it comes down to it, for me, waiting around for stuff to happen is flat-out really annoying.

I'm actually waiting for my roommates right now- we are going bowling and were supposed to be there 3 minutes ago. Of course, we're back on Yucatacen time, so it doesn't matter. But man are they taking forever. I almost got up to coax them along, but I'll stay here and write this, like a little experiment.

I started doing long tones again yesterday. It has been a looong time since I've done loooong tones on a regular basis, and I think that is a very big problem given the state of my playing. It's ridiculous really. What are my biggest challenges as a player? Sound. Loud playing. Too much tension. Efficient use of air. What is the answer to all of those things? Duh.

For those of you who don't know, long tones are exactly what they sound like. You play a tone for a long time. The way I do it is first I play the note pianissimo for 10 counts (seconds, really) then crescendo and decrescendo for 8 counts, then crescendo for 8, then fortissimo for 8, then decrescendo for 12 and hold as long as possible. Then you change notes. 11 notes in all. That's....10+8+8+8+12=46x11, 460 seconds or just over 7 minutes. Of holding notes.

Actually, now that I've done the math, it's not so bad. It seems much longer while you're doing it. Aha, such is impatience. About 3 notes in I find myself longing (heh heh, no pun intended) to be done, eye-ing the last note, wondering if maybe I could just skip ahead. Who would know, after all? I have to keep reaching inside of myself for an inch more of self-discipline. I have to stay aware of what's going on in my body, keep demanding better tone, more relaxation from myself. I have to resist boredom, because really there's so much going on it would be crazy to be bored. I have to enjoy the moment, really, otherwise I'll just quit and go check "musicalchairs." (A tad ironic, no?)

Undoubtedly, when I finish, I am a much much better horn player. And only 7 minutes! Not only does it help so many areas of my playing, but it's actually a satisfying experience of being human, something about having survived and overcome the impatience monster.

The biggest problem with impatience is it impedes you from realizing that right now is everything. I mean really, this moment is your life. And this one. And this one. And if I spent the last three moments worrying about the next three, then I lost those three. And so on and so on. And that is quite disconcerting to me.

I am a forward looking person, which is a virtue and a hindrance. I think it keeps me optimistic, active, engaged, accomplished. But it also makes me miss a lot. So, that's what I'm working on, presently. Appreciating the now, whether it's a long tone or a rainy day. The future is important, but it's not everything, and it will happen when it happens, whether I anxiously anticipate it or not.

4H

Hurricanes. (http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/refresh/graphics_at4+shtml/143523.shtml?5day)
Humidity.
Huapango.
Horn.

Keeping my sense of humor.
Staying happy.

Wakka wakka wakka, I <3 Oaxaca

I don't really have any time to post, but I just wanted to express my extremely positive feelings for this city and this music festival.

I like just about everything. I like the food, I like the atmosphere downtown, I like my brass quintet, I like my horn sextet, I like my brass trio, I like this really interesting Colombian bass player, super friendly Panamanian trombonist, and this crazy cool Mexican oboist, I like the hall, I like mezcal, I like that I have randomly run into two friends from my past here on vacation, I like the climate, and I like the Finnish horn teacher I get to learn from every morning.

Not too shabby.

Miss you all...more soon!